My Gender Story - Day 5: R.I.P, Childhood

October 10, 2018

I was recently inspired by this story of a 10 year old girl who believes she was born into the wrong body. Many people think that you shouldn't judge a kid's decision on this kind of thing until they're in their late-teen years because a kid's mind hasn't developed fully yet. But I think you should just go by the signs. I've always put up a fight against being referred to as a boy and up until recently, it's been taken as a joke. The thing that hurts the most is that since I'm almost 18 and classed as an adult, I feel like my childhood has been wasted fretting about this kind of thing. "Am I mentally unstable?" "What's wrong with me?" "Why can't I just accept things as they are?". So I think if anything were to push me to suicide, it would be those thoughts. I'm struggling to believe my childhood is over. Gone. I just got a grip of the world and now I've got to take on a whole new range of responsibilities. I can't really live the childhood I wanted because I've been trapped by the thoughts of being seen as some madman all this time. And now things become more clear, it's almost time to stop being a girl and actually grow into a woman. And I'm not ready for that yet. I've stayed silent in almost every appointment I've been to because I didn't want people to create false ideas of who I am. I couldn't show people who I actually was because I was trapped by my own body. Completely unaware of how damaging this was to my mental health. But now the damage has been done and there's no turning back. I'm at least 50% willing to go for surgery at this point. Just to salvage my final few years. Living how I want to. Not having to change who I am just because the media thinks that boys need to dress this way and girls should dress like this. And I hate it. This really doesn't help my depression state and has driven me to multiple suicide attempts. All failed. (Here are the thoughts that saved me, and forced me into more depression. "What would the aftermath be?" "Oh yeah, my son killed himself because he wanted to be a girl." "I don't want those to be the things on my grave". "What do I do now?")

 

I've read online that biological girls say "oh no you don't want this life. It's not as fun as it looks". But that's not what it's about. It's about becoming the person you want to be. Isn't this what we're headed to as a society? Because it seems like some people want to rewind 500 years. The media is forcing millennials into depression with their high expectations. The media blames it on kids just being ungrateful lazy assholes but that's not the case. It's the expectations put on people nowadays. "Oh you're a girl so you like Barbie and makeup and shopping" "Oh you're a boy so you like football and sports and video games and you don't clean your room and you only shower like once a week" People are expecting stereotypes to be true. But we just wanna break free from this. That pressure is what's made depression as bad as it is.

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